In which I discuss weird relationship things...

This one doesn’t have some neat life lesson attached to it. Or maybe it does and I just don’t know it. This one is just me being honest with where I’m at on a couple of things.

I grew up in an environment where if you weren’t married by 18 there was probably something wrong with you. Literally every person I grew up with is married now. I am the very last. And while I feel like I’ve come to terms with that, there’s still something about that fact that kind of hurts.

Let me tell you something, I am really, really secure in myself and who I am. Until it comes to my love life.

I’ve always been… unique… and it’s easy to feel like maybe I’m just a little too strange to be wantable. Maybe I’m too awkward. Maybe I’m too quiet. The kind of guys I tend to gravitate towards always seem to end up with these really outgoing, bubbly girls. And why are they always blonde? 

What’s up with that? Do I need to be more blonde? There are always so many doubts. Am I not pretty enough? Am I not cool enough? Am I not smart enough? Am I too smart? Am I not mature enough? Am I too mature? Am I too nerdy? Am I not sexy enough? Am I too sexy? Do I not wear enough makeup? Do I wear too much? Is my hair too short? Is my job not cool enough? Do I wear enough cool hats? Do I wear too many cool hats? On and on and on…

Everyone always says that love happens when you’re not expecting it, when you’re happy being single. Here’s the problem, I don’t think I’ll ever be happy being single. I never have been. I CRAVE the intimacy that comes from a relationship like I crave tacos.Would you be happy living without tacos? No? Me neither.

That being said, I am surprisingly content with where I am right now. Do I still desperately want to find the love of my life? Absolutely. There’s something about me that is hardwired to constantly seek that. But I’m also actually happy to go home to my cat and be by myself in my little hermitage. And that’s been a really strange place for me. For the first time in my life I’m happy being single. While still looking for "Mr. Right" around every corner. I don’t even know how that works.

I think part of it is that I’ve somehow gotten it into my head that if I can get myself sorted out, “he” will magically show up. If I can get my house the way I want it and my art the way I want it and start writing again, and get in shape, and look a certain way (I’ve started running and it’s hellish) and eat a certain way, drink enough herbal tea and blah blah blah…. ”He”’ll just walk into my life and want to be a part of it. I feel like I have to “be worthy” of this imaginary person that I’m waiting for. 

And I know that’s not right. I should want all those things for myself. I should want this beautiful, happy, content life for myself and not for someone else. Sometimes I feel like I do want that for myself but sometimes I realize that there is this underlying motive and then I feel like I don’t know if I know how to want that for myself. I sometimes feel like I only know how to want to be the kind of person I want to be in order to hopefully attract the kind of person I want to attract and I feel like that’s so messed up but that’s just how it is.

And all in all, if I’m pursuing being happy and healthy and content, does it really matter who I’m pursuing that for? I don’t know. I’m still figuring that out. In the mean time I’m gonna stand over here waving a flag that says “Quirky, stable, hella cute, and single!” and hope that the right person sees it.

Next time on Ashton blogs about things: Ashton blogs about what the criteria for the imaginary person in her head known only as “He” is