4 years ago

I wrote this two days ago. Four years ago today is actually the day I got home.

Four years ago today. Four years ago today I was sitting in the Manila airport, feeling like more of a failure than I ever thought I would. Four years ago today was the day I began my journey home from the Philippines, my journey from mild depression to extreme depression, my journey into self-loathing, my journey into learning how to let dreams die without letting yourself die along with them. Thanks for reminding me Facebook . 

Four years ago today I was headed back to America from the Philippines after being told that I couldn’t hack it. I felt like I’d wasted almost two years, not to mention all the money my parents had put in to my schooling. I felt like I’d failed at the only thing I wanted to do with my life. I’d been brought so low that it took me nearly four years to recover. Even now, I feel like I’ll be processing that journey for the rest of my life. Being sent home from the Philippines set off a chain of events in my life, in my own psyche, that I’m frankly amazed that I made it out alive from. You know in action movies, when the villain presses the button and things start exploding, and the hero’s running for their life to get out of the building before it collapses and they jump through a window and grab the rungs of a helicopter that’s then shot out of the sky so they let go of the helicopter and somehow just so happen to land in a passing garbage truck, thereby breaking their fall and allowing them to get away? Being sent home from the Philippines was that button. And the sequence of events that happened was a lot less exciting and a lot more sad. I still feel like I kind of ended up landing in a garbage truck though. 

That being said, I learned a lot of things in that garbage truck. One of the things that allowed me to get out of the garbage truck and not let it take me all the way to the landfill was how to set a lifelong dream on the backburner without know when, if ever, you’re going to pick it up again. And while that sounds like a very sad thing, it’s actually extremely freeing. It’s easy to feel like by setting that dream down, you’re giving up. It’s easy to grab on to that dream and scream “I’m never letting go!” That’s like grabbing those helicopter rungs and riding the chopper all the way to the ground, only to get caught in the fiery explosion that results when a helicopter crashes. Some dreams are meant to be let go. Holding on to them will only hold you back, will only drag you down with them. 

I’ve spent the last 10 years dreaming of being a missionary. Dreaming of going back to Africa. And because of that dream, I never fully put down roots here. I refused to build any kind of life here because, “What’s the point if I’m just leaving ASAP to go live in a mud hut?” I never let myself be happy or satisfied with where I was because it wasn’t where I wanted to be. And that’s not healthy. I needed to learn to let myself be “here” regardless of where here was. I spent all my energy trying to be somewhere else while I was here. I don’t know if that makes sense. Essentially, I was refusing to build any kind of life where I was because I was so convinced that my being somewhere else was eminent. Kind of like how Martin Luther didn’t believe in evangelizing because he believed the return of Jesus was so eminent. What’s the point of putting in any effort to something you KNOW is just temporary? Dust in the wind and all that. 

But being present is so important. Being HERE, wherever here is, is important. Building a life here, putting in effort here, is important because honestly, I don’t know how long I’m going to be here. It could be a long time. 

If you try to transplant a seedling, it’s likely that you’ll shock the roots and it’ll die. It’s not mature or stable enough to survive the trauma of being transplanted. You have to wait till it is an established plant before you can move it. When it has a strong root system, then it can take the stress of being moved. That’s where I’m at right now. Learning how to put down roots and let them grow deep so that, when the time does come, (just because I’ve set the dream down for now doesn’t mean I’m never picking it back up)I’m strong enough. 

It’s so easy to let an idea dictate your life. It’s easy to let a dream, even a good, healthy dream become something that is controlling and destructive. I let the idea of being a missionary become just that. Putting that dream down is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I very nearly put myself down with it. But now that I have put that dream down, I’m happier and healthier than I have been in about 10 years when I first picked the dream up. That doesn’t mean I’ll never pick it back up, it’s a good dream, it just means I’m learning how to live here, where I am right now, and not in the eventuality of the dream. And honestly, here, where I am right now, has been a deliciously good place to be.